boner brigade

I can’t take you seriously because you terrify me. You mean so much to me, and that’s what terrifies me about you, I almost hate it. I hate that I care so much. I hate that you’ve become so important so quickly. I hate that this is so different from anything I’ve ever had before. You’re not going anywhere, whereas before anyone I’d ever cared about would just walk out of my life because of circumstance and the fact that you’re not going anywhere.. well that scares me the most. You’re not what I’m used to. I know that you’re going to hurt me more than anyone else and that scares the life out of me. I don’t even trust myself with you because I feel like I’ve opened myself up completely to you and I promised I would never do that after what happened to me. I never thought I would love you this much, and I never thought I would still be afraid to have feelings or be attached to someone nearly six months later after everything. I can’t let you know that I take you seriously because I joke around.. it’s just what I do. It’s my defense mechanism. I still feel so so overwhelmed because I never got to have any sort of closer, and that I opened myself up to someone so quickly it just fucking scares me. I can’t explain it all, because I don’t get why I’m having such a hard time being the lovey dovey person you want me to be  but I’m terrified to trust anyone. I do take you seriously, I just would hate to tell you that because I’d hate to let you in.